I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be. I've always tried to be a good person, but there's nothing like a big life change to really get me moving. Becoming a mother has done just that. I look at Ethan and want to be the best role model for him that I can possibly be; I want him to be proud of his mom.
Other things get me thinking, too. I've given up Law and Order SVU to watch the new season of Morgan Spurlock's 30 Days. I know that may sound cheesy, but this one hour a week really gets me to think about new things that I don't normally focus on. This show opens my horizons and helps me to be more of an empathetic person. I wish I could thank Morgan in person for that.
And today on Oprah, there was a Dr. Oz special on death. Sounded a bit creepy to me when I heard the show's title, but I watched it anyway. Kris Carr was on, the woman behind the documentary (and book) crazysexycancer. She was amazing on the show; so real, so open and so honest about her life and her ideas. She had more life in her, after having recieved essentially a death sentence, than just about anyone I've ever met. And then there was Randy Pausch, the professor who's "last lecture," has been sent around the world. He did a shortened version of it on the show and I cried. Find it on the internet and watch it or go get his book. It was truly one of the most moving things I have ever seen.
And then, a quote I found years ago on a notecard at some store in Floyd, has been coming back to me a lot recently:
"Perhaps grace is realizing that it's not all about you. Perhaps grace is knowing that people are doing what they're doing for their own reasons, not yours."
This, I think, is my own personal battle (or at least part of it). I tend to take a lot on from other people, a lot that isn't given to me. If someone is upset, my first assumption is to assume it's something I did. I think, what can I do to make it better (even if I have no idea what the "it" is), or how can I just make this other person happy with me. But you know, it isn't about me. What other people are doing, are feeling, are thinking-- chances are it's not about me. It's not that I'm self-centered, I think I just have this desire to "fix" things. Now don't get me wrong; I know I've hurt people (usually unintentionally) and when I have, I do want to make it better, and I usually will make that effort when I've been made known when something is wrong. But the problem is that I tend to assume there's a problem with me when it maybe just be something someone else is dealing with and needs to deal with on their own.
But I digress. I've always wanted to be a good person. My friends make me want to be a good friend, because I am thankful for their friendships. Being with Jason makes me want to be a better Katrina; since I've been with him, I've felt so much more comfortable in my own skin, which in turn has allowed me to be, I think (hope?) a better me. And now becoming a mom-- this next step in discovering other ways to be a better friend, a better coworker, a better teacher, a better daughter, a better granddaughter, a better wife, a better mom. Again, cheesy but true: life truly is about the journey.
Links you may be interested in:
crazy.sexy.cancer http://www.crazysexycancer.com/
Randy Pausch http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/
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