In the Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin noted that for every 1 negative interaction, it takes 5 positive ones to build up up good vibes again (she said it in a much more scientific and stastical way, but you get the idea). This one fact has really stuck with me and I've made an effort to make sure to have positive interactions with J, with my kids, with my students and coworkers, with my friends. When Callie was working on her masters degree, she shared this same idea as social capital. We have to invest in our relationships so that they can weather the inevitable storms.
For J and I, it's great to have date nights and snuggle time together on the couch, but sometimes those interactions are as simple as calling to say thank you for making our morning go smoothly or emailing an article that reminds us that parenting is hard for everyone and that is not only our children who are challenging. For the kids, we make sure to have some one-on-one time with each boy, but also just time together as a family. When the weather is warm, we go on LOTS of picnics. We avoid the tv, phones, computers and just focus on each other. As hard as it seems to have gotten sometimes, I try to see my girlfriends on a regular (or at least semi-regular) basis. It can be brunch or catching up at a party or making plans for a girls' overnight in the summer, but connecting them always reminds me that I am more than just J's wife, H's stepmom or E's mama.
I can't be sure that the 5 to 1 ratio is completely accurate, but it makes sense to me. So how do you invest in your social capitalism?
3 comments:
Believe it or not, one of my new year’s resolutions was to get better at this. Investing in my social capital, that is, although that’s not how I thought of it at the time. I have a tendency (in case you haven’t noticed) to get mad when I’m not included in things but to never take the initiative to plan something myself or invite anyone else to do things with me. So I’m working on that. Because, duh, who’s going to kill themselves trying to hang out with me if I don’t try to hang out with them?
I struggle with letting myself be anything other than Cash’s mom though. I think I just have lingering guilt over having to be away from him all day at work, so I’m very protective over the time that I do get to spend with him. I know it’s good for him to see that Mommy has a life and friends and other things going on besides him, but he’s still just a baby and right now he just wants his Mama there at nighttime, and I don’t have a good enough reason to deny him that. I’ve gotten better though. My curfew used to be 7:00, now it’s 10:00. :) It could probably be later, as he was sound asleep at my Mom’s house when we got there to pick him up after your birthday party, but I think I would need my Mom to come to our house and stay with him if I were going to stay out later than that. I hate having to wake him up to get him in the car and take him home.
And now I’ve written a book. I’m going to shut up now.
No, Calllie-- your book was great! I totally get the feeling guilty thing if I spend what I think is "too much" time away from E. It helps that I get to be home on Fridays, but I try to make sure that it's really only one night or so a month that he spends the night with my parents. I've worked hard on the balance of it all, too.
I really liked that we were doing brunch on Sundays and want us to keep that up. The afternoon parties are great, too, because I enjoy getting the kids together. And while date nights with J. is good, sometimes I just really like spending time with the girls. Maybe this summer you can come on our Girls Overnight to Charlottesville?
I've been thinking about when I might be willing to try leaving Cash overnight. I think maybe if I could get my Mom to come stay at our house, I'd feel better about it. I think if Cash was in his own environment and Jason was there, it might not be so bad. I don't know. I mean, logically I know that even if he cried a lot, he'd still be ok. I'm just a big wuss who hates to think about him crying and being upset because I'm not there. I'll give it some thought though. I mean, it would be nice to at least have our wedding night to ourselves. :)
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