There is just too much sadness right now. The loss is palpable. In the past two weeks, while my personal life at home has been stable, the lives around me have just felt too much. Two weeks ago, just after my flashback. my uncle-- who was only a year older than I am-- died unexpectedly, we think from maybe a heart attack. He was not in the best of health and it truly could have been a variety of reasons, but it's likely it was a combination of factors. The worst part, though, besides the fact that my grandparents had to bury their youngest son and no parent should ever have to bury their child, is that he left a daughter who is in the 7th grade.
That same week, another young man, just in his early 30s died in a car accident that wasn't his fault. He was able to save his only child, a boy who had just turned a year old. This was a friend of a friend and it didn't happen around here, but it only added to my building anxiety. A coworker had a good friend who was dealing with a very ill child and another coworker lost her sister unexpectedly earlier this month.
And now, today, I found out that one of my students lost her father last night-- I can't even begin to process all of it.
Even as I type this, I'm questioning. I'm trying to be polite, writing "they lost him," or "she lost her," when we all know that we didn't lose anyone. We lose papers that we needed to hold onto; we lose weight; we lose dignity and sometimes pride and sometimes our temper, but we don't lose people. We know where they are; it just isn't where we want them to be. I struggle with death and how to explain it to my children; I struggle with how to explain the concept of "loss" to them, of what it means to no longer have a parent around, who is not ever coming back. I know that I don't have to have all of the answers and that there is a lot that they are not ready to know, but it just seems like there have been constant reminders this month that we will not ever know when our time is up.
So January? I am so done with you. One more day-- you get one more day and so help me you better not take anyone else around me. Good riddance.
2 comments:
I’m sorry to hear about all of the sadness around you. And I am in total agreement about the word “loss.” I heard it a lot when I had my miscarriage. “Oh, I’m so sorry you lost the baby.” No, I didn’t lose anything. The baby died. I know it’s just society’s way of softening the blow a little when talking about death, but for me, it was not comforting. It made it almost seem like I had done something wrong. Good luck figuring out a way to talk about it with little ones. We’ve had a few short discussions about animals and people dying with Cash but who knows how much they process and retain. I’ve seen him struggle to process how Mimi could be sick for so long and why she hasn’t come home yet, and it’s not easy.
I remember you saying that about the word "loss." It stuck with me. It is just so much sadness, especially for little ones to be carrying around. I've done a lot of "eating my feelings."
Thanks for the support-- it means a lot.
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