Mantra

Since college, I've recreated my personal mantra multiple times.  I think it all really started my sophomore year, when exams were starting and I was working full time and I had been really sick.  I was so stressed out, especially when I looked at my schedule for the upcoming weeks; just completely overwhelmed.  I knew logically that I needed to just take it one bit at a time-- not even one day at a time, but bit by bit.  I wrote out and color-coded my schedule, building in the time to sleep, time to eat, time to just take a walk.  I added a few notes to myself ("Your friends will understand if you can't hang out right now!" "In less than 14 days, this semester will be over!" "Stay focused-- You are successful!")  Cheesy, yes, but also effective.  I taped that paper up on my bathroom mirror, where I would see it several times a day.  I also taped a note to myself to the dashboard in my car and changed the background on my phone as a picture of my notes.  Seeing those reminders truly helped to reframe my way of thinking.  I did make it through those two weeks successfully; not only did I accomplish all of tasks, but I stopped feeling so anxious about it all. 

I've done this ever since.  When things start to feel too big for me to handle, I make a list or a chart or a calendar and write it all down.  Even just that makes me feel more in control of the things I can control.  I also often choose a mantra to repeat to myself to keep my mind from imagining all of the possibilities.  When I was pregnant, I knew that the time was finite.  I would not be pregnant forever; labor could not go on indefinitely and I could handle any amount of pain for a short amount of time.  In fact, that idea that most things only last a short amount of time and that there's an end in sight can make just about anything seem do-able.  When I have to go to the dentist, I can always say that by a certain time of day, or in just 2 hours, this will all be over (if you know me, you know the total distress that going to the dentist makes me feel; it is seriously worse than giving birth ten times in a row). For a long time, my mantra was about remembering that other people's actions and choices were about them, not about me.  I am a sensitive person and I'm glad to be so, but I worked hard to not take things so personally. 

My current mantra is simple: seek first to understand.  At this point in my life, I've got a good hold on my thoughts and feelings.  If I do feel conflicted, I have people that I trust to talk things out with who will reflect the priorities I've set for my life.  But I do wonder sometimes about the decisions that people make-- changing or ending relationships (romantic, friendships, at work) for example, or their political stances, alienating Facebook statuses (funny but also a little true).  I think that we all make judgments that reflect our personal values, but I try really hard first to understand the other person's perspective before deciding on my own response, if there even needs to be one. I try to remember that I generally don't get to see all of the puzzle pieces and am likely not aware of information or situation that has led to a person's opinion.  It's easy to question why someone would stay in an abusive relationship if you've never been in that position yourself.  It's easy to say that we shouldn't have to pay taxes that support a mom who isn't working if you never lost your job or been unable to provide for your own family, or know someone who has.  It might be easy to say that marriage should only be between a man and a woman if you've never seen a homosexual couple who is more devoted to one another and their life together than most heterosexual couples you may know. I simply aim to recognize that there's generally more going on for any given individual than I will ever know and to just accept and love of them what I can.  I seek first to understand that with most people, we truly only see the tip of the iceberg when there is 80-some % beneath the surface.