5 to 1

In the Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin noted that for every 1 negative interaction, it takes 5 positive ones to build up up good vibes again (she said it in a much more scientific and stastical way, but you get the idea).  This one fact has really stuck with me and I've made an effort to make sure to have positive interactions with J, with my kids, with my students and coworkers, with my friends.  When Callie was working on her masters degree, she shared this same idea as social capital.  We have to invest in our relationships so that they can weather the inevitable storms. 

For J and I, it's great to have date nights and snuggle time together on the couch, but sometimes those interactions are as simple as calling to say thank you for making our morning go smoothly or emailing an article that reminds us that parenting is hard for everyone and that is not only our children who are challenging.  For the kids, we make sure to have some one-on-one time with each boy, but also just time together as a family.  When the weather is warm, we go on LOTS of picnics.  We avoid the tv, phones, computers and just focus on each other.  As hard as it seems to have gotten sometimes, I try to see my girlfriends on a regular (or at least semi-regular) basis.  It can be brunch or catching up at a party or making plans for a girls' overnight in the summer, but connecting them always reminds me that I am more than just J's wife, H's stepmom or E's mama.

I can't be sure that the 5 to 1 ratio is completely accurate, but it makes sense to me.  So how do you invest in your social capitalism? 

A Start-- Edited on 2/22/10

I thought I'd make a preliminary list of the people I want to write letters of thanks and appreciation to over the next year. Some are obvious, but a list is a good place to start. So, without further ado, a first draft list of people who have made a major difference in my life (in no particular order):

Mom and Dad-- there's the whole, "I wouldn't be here without them," thing, but I realize how fortunate I am to have parents who have always encouraged me to follow my heart, even when it was something different than what they had hoped for.
Kristin and Steven-- Kristin and I weren't exactly close growing up, but she's become such a fixture in my daily life over the past few years. Being pregnant at the same time made such a difference in our relationship and I'm so thankful for all the ways she's helped me. My little brother is coming into his own and is such a thoughtful, sensitive guy. I'm really proud of him.
Jason-- my best best friend. With him, I feel the most like myself. He's given me the courage to really be myself. He appreciates the little things in life and makes me laugh every day. I don't know what I did in my life to get so lucky, but man, I'm sure glad I did it.
Halsey-- my wubs. Being a stepparent is way harder than being a parent (which is insanely hard), but I love this kid with every fiber of my being. He is funny and smart and clever and has a seriously cute, mischeivious grin. He's taught me patience, above anything else, and for that I am thankful.
Ethan-- the minute he was placed on me after delivery, I felt like my heart was going to burst right out of my chest. Like his brother, he's so funny and charming, and he's not even 2 yet. I want to be a better person for him, to show him the world and all of its possibilities.
Cherie-- the young girl that I mentored for years who has become an extraordinay young woman. I also learned patience from her; she's a great example of dedication and making the best of a hard situation.
Anita T.-- English advisor at RC who took literature to a whole new level for me. I wish I could be as intelligent as she is; she is a true inspiration for me.
Mrs. Barlow-- 3rd grade teacher who brought books to life
Granny-- she's passed away now, but still made such a difference in my life. She didn't have much growing up and always wanted to give us everything-- and at the holidays, everything often meant a large number of trinkets from Big Lots. I never doubted that she was proud of me and that she loved me. I will always be "Granny's girl."
Grandma-- the older I get, the more I learn about life, love and our family from her.
Debbie-- my aunt, who I wanted to be when I grew up. She went back to school after her kids were older and her determination to get her degree was awesome to watch.
Shea-- it's hard to believe that I met Shea 9 years ago. At first, she was my employer; I took care of her daughter, Nicole. She has become my friend and confidant; her experience as a stepmother has been invaluable to me and she is someone I trust completely.
Nicole-- is truely wise beyond her years. She is smart, a talented actress and ambitious. I only hope one of my boys ends up with a girl as incredible as she is.
Jessica-- one of my oldest friends who is truly family. To say she is supportive is an understatement. I know Jess will always be in my corner.
Susan-- in addition to being one of my closest friends, she took care of my baby when I went back to work. It was almost as good as family.
Whitney-- is the kind of smart I wish I was. She's quick-witted and so knowledgeable. I feel like I fudged my way through being an English major, but she knows her stuff. She's loyal and offers such thoughtful insight.
Genny-- was a friend in high school and in the past several years, has become someone I feel very close to, someone I trust and respect.
Holly-- one of the few people from college that I have stayed in contact with, Holly is one of my closest friends. She inspires me and I am thankful for her friendship.
Liz- another inspiration in my life. Her passion and enthusiasm are contagious.
Callie-- Another passionate friend (I seem to surround myself with passionate people...), who is so intelligent. I admire her devotion to her son; she's a great mom.
Brienne-- my friendship with her has taught me a lot aboout myself. We hit a rough spot several years ago and have recently spent some great time together; that's taught me that there is something to be said for history with someone.
Allison-- One of the most fun-loving friends I have. Allison always brings a good attitude and offers the best encouragement. I think she has the ability to always see the good, however deep it may be hiding.
Taylor-- I am not always sure of our friendship's status, but I have learned so much from my relationship with her. She's incredibly smart and witty and can be deeply loyal. However, I've had to learn that no matter how much I love someone, I can't always make them feel better, or love me back. I've learned that I need to give without any expectations for a return.
Leigh Ann-- a friend who is soulful and artistic and sensitive. She can see things from a variety of perspectives and offers wisdom in a way that is easy to hear.
Lindsay M (now M-E)-- I used to babysit for Lindsay and her younger brothers and we were always close. She has an old soul and has always been wise beyond her years. We drifted apart years ago, but have since reconnected. She's still just as wise.
Tulie-- a friend who is a wonderful role model. I look to her for so many things when it comes to parenting. She's like a big sister to me, though I'm not sure she realizes that.
Lecia-- I can still so clearly remember the first time she and I ever talked-- New Year's Eve, 1994. She thought I was someone else. :) Lecia is an awesome balance of fun and spontaniety with thougthfulness and intelligence. She's always understood a part of me that I never showed most people.
Mr. Foard-- my sophomore year Engish teacher. Class with him was fun-- it reminded me that school could be-- and should be-- fun. He was one inspirations I thought of when figuring out my own style of teaching.
The lady who read books at Greenvale nursery school-- she was short, short with long, long black hair and wore thick glasses. She sort of waddled when we she walked and always carried a hefty canvas bag of books. When she would read to us, the books came alive. She changed her voice for each character, and was so excited to share the books with us. I'm not sure I'll ever know her name but she made such a difference in three year old world.
Shelley-- once a student, who became a friend, who became a sister.
Molly and Alex and Maggie and Amy-- students who have allowed me to be an important adult in their lives.
Laurie-- my first real teacher-mentor. The second person I thought of when figuring out what kind of teacher I wanted to be.
Linda-- taught me, in a real way, that you need to face the things that scare you.

Big Huge Duh! I totally blocked out this time in my life that was hard for ways I don't discuss on the interweb, but was very important in my personal growth and left two people off the list that really meant a lot to me and made a difference (thank you, FB):
K.C. -- the reason I went to Catawba College. She was like a big sister to me, answering my questions and guiding me through some tough spots in life. I left NC fairly abruptly and never explained to any of my friends there why I had to go. KC is the one person I missed the most.
Will-- was my closest guy friend for most of high school. To be honest, I was always a bit jealous of his people-skills. He could sweet talk his way into anything and once he figured out what he needed, he could make anything happen. If you just met him, you might think he was just lucky to get some of the breaks that he had gotten, but if you really knew him, you knew that he made it happen. I took my first real road-trip with Will, one that wasn't too planned out, where we just let ourselves fall into adventure. He taught me that if I want something, it's up to me to make it happen.

So, just a first draft list that has 36 people on it. Some of these letters of appreciation will just be online, because I don't have a way to get in touch with them. Others will be real letters that will hopefully be meaningful to the reciepients. In any case, what's important to me is that I take the time to acknowledge those who have made a difference in my life.

Late nights are for pondering?

I am currently sitting in a dark hotel room, listening to my three boys snore (or just very loudly breathing while they sleep). We just spent the past week in Kansas. The reason we were there is sad; my husband's grandma wasn't doing well, so we packed up the car, loaded in the boys and drove 18 hours so he could be with her. We got there just in time, on Wednesday evening. She past away in the early hours of Thursday.
But the trip itself wasn't sad. We live minutes away from my family, but 18 hours away from my husband's. He has two brothers whom he's close to and only gets to see them maybe once or twice a year. So the trip was a great time for him to catch up and spend some time with his family, eating at his favorite local restaurant, joking back and forth with his dad (just fyi, my blog title is in homage to my husband and his family; they can come up with the wittiest puns at the drop of a dime and I'm a bit jealous of this talent but hope our boys inherit it), drinking beers and playing guitar with his brothers.
*Edited. I took out a bunch of rambling, but the gist was that I am envious of how close Jason and his brothers are and were growing up. Also, I pondered on friendships and how the affect me.
Maybe I've been on the road too long and just need to stop thinking and get some sleep.